Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Part I : Life's Little Miracles

I have struggled with fertility issues for about a decade. There would be years when I couldn't get pregnant, and other years, when I would get pregnant, but would miscarry.


My grandma would always tell me not to worry, because I was going to have another baby.

Even in the midst of her struggle with Alzheimers, a time when she treated me like a stranger, and hadn't known my name for years, there would be rare moments when she would get a sparkle in her eye, I'd see a hint of recognition, and she would shock me by talking to me about my "babies."


In between sentences that didn't quite make sense, she'd clearly tell me, not to worry, because I was going to get my baby.

Then, 9 months ago, when my family and I were vacationing in the Rainbow State, grandma passed away.


A few days after her funeral, I began having pregnancy symptoms.

A. Few. Days. After.

To be honest, I wasn't feeling very positive. While, I was having pregnancy symptoms, I was also having the same symptoms that I had with each of my miscarriages

Weeks after I had taken the pregnancy test, when my husband and I were laying in bed, the neighbor's porch light turned on and light poured through our blinds creating letters on our bedroom wall. 

They spelled, LIFE.

L-I-F-E. I thought it was the neatest thing. 

It had been a very hard month. 

One life that was so very special to me had been taken away, and there was a new little life growing inside of me, but I was fearful that at any moment it could be taken from me too...

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Kisses Between Phone Calls



Ten years ago, when I had my daughter Jocelyn, I wanted to be at home with her. I did not want to put her in daycare or leave her with my mom. I was sure she would have been fine, but I did not want to miss any moments. Moments were important to me. I have wanted to be a Mommy for as long as I could remember and it was essential that I be there each time she woke up, each time she needed to be changed, and each time she wanted to be held. I understand that some mothers love working outside of the home and enjoy their careers. I applaud them for doing what they love, however, my heart's desire was to be at home raising and starting a family.


I soon found out that while it is great to set goals and make plans for our life, it is also imperative that we remain flexible. Life has a way of showing us that we are not in control. I was home with baby for the first 3 months of her life, because I was healing from a cesarean and some complications. My husband was going to school and working part-time so we needed the supplemental income. I quit my job as a teacher and went to work for my family's business. This allowed me the privilege of earning a living, while spending my days with my child.  I was able to have her with me each day at the office and I did not miss a single moment!


When I look back at those 5 years I spent with her before she started Kindergarten, I remember how busy, chaotic, and unpredictable my days were. I also remember how they were blessed. I could sneak hugs and kisses in between phone calls. I answered the door with a baby on my hip, and made phone calls and typed up documents with a baby on my lap. I was there for her first words, and her first steps. I got to rock her to sleep and I took breaks to sing her lullabies and read her stories.


As she grew, the swing, playpen and baby toys were eventually replaced by a desk, a Dora sofa and shelves that held books, toys and art supplies. I printed out worksheets to prepare her for Kindergarten. We had calendar time, we practiced the names and sounds of the alphabet and hung up miscellaneous art projects all around the room.


There were stressful moments. I breastfed until she was 11 months old, so there were many times that I would have to pull the car over on my way to work, while running errands or on my way home to feed a hungry, screaming baby. There were days when I was the only one in the office and I had to soothe a crying baby fast enough to answer the phone or help an applicant out with his new hire paperwork. I couldn't put her on a schedule, because our days were filled with last minute errands. There were times when she was sick, fussy or just wanted to be held, but I struggled to give her the attention she needed, because I was on a deadline at work.


I made dinner and packed diaper bags by night, earned a living and cared for my baby by day and washed clothes and cleaned house on the weekends. It was the not the June Cleaver life I had planned, but it was close! I knew that I was lucky.


I am amazed at how fast those 5 years that we spent together at the office went by. When I watch my little girl get dressed in the morning, help with chores around the house or hear the conversations she has with her step-sister and friends, I cannot help but to smile. That little curly headed office baby has grown into a beautiful, bright, independent girl who has her own ideas, dreams and plans.


If she is like her Mommy, as she grows she will look back at the last five, 10 or even 15 years and she will know how fortunate she was. Though the details of her life may not always work out exactly the way she planned, she will continue to dream and to set goals for her future. Because, while life may be full of challenges and uncertainty, it is also filled with blessings and possibility, and life always has a way of working out.  

P.S. The video below is an old favorite from the office as well. :)


video